Grieving Through Christmastime

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” according to the popular Christmas song. And although there are “parties for hosting and marshmallows for toasting,” for 35% of individuals, the Christmas season evokes emotions of loneliness and sadness due to the loss of a loved one.

For those mourning the loss of someone close to them, the holidays can stir up memories of traditions, past celebrations, and bring attention to the empty seat left at the table.

A NEW REALITY

Linda Brown, who has personally experienced the loss of loved ones, says that one of the biggest challenges faced during the holidays — especially Thanksgiving through Christmas as the focus is often on family gatherings — is the realization that the memories that have been created are over and future memories will look different.

“It’s a hard thing to wrap your mind around,” she says.

The transition into this new reality can be painful, she continues, because change always is. But starting new traditions, some in memory or honor of the person who has passed on, is a good way to start moving forward.

Brown has been active in lay-person grief ministry for 20 years. She leads groups for grieving parents, as well as those who have suffered loss of any kind. Her personal experience and knowledge in the area of grief has opened doors for her to share her testimony in churches and, most recently, on podcasts to encourage others walking through this emotional time.

“Grief takes a tremendous amount of emotional energy,” she says, “especially in the first couple of years. Being social also takes a tremendous amount of emotional energy. It’s ok to take time and heal and recover. It’s ok to turn down invitations. The people who love you most will understand and support you.”

“Your tears celebrate a love worth weeping over,” says Natasha Toles, a clinician with Emerge Ministries. “Your silence, your remembrance, even your mood swings are love letters that declare, ‘I love you. I miss you.’”

While social gatherings may be too much at first, Brown warns against total isolation. When grievers escape from their isolation, even for just a short while, they are giving their minds and hearts a break, a distraction, from the negative thoughts and emotions with which they are wrestling.

Matthew Knabe, operations director, clinician, and host of Experience Emerge Podcast for Emerge Ministries says that giving oneself permission to grieve, to feel sadness, anger, and emptiness, is ok. He encourages that those who are grieving should lament in prayer.

“Like the Psalmist, you can pour your heart into God, trusting that he hears and cares,” he says, referencing Psalm 34:18.

COMFORT IN SCRIPTURE

At times when grievers are alone, Brown says that the most important thing they can do is immerse themselves in Scripture.

“Grief makes you withdraw or press in, spiritually,” she says. When those who are grieving intentionally take time to dive into the promises of God’s Word, they will find comfort, refuge, and a safe place for healing. While the world may offer many things, Brown states that in order to heal from crippling sadness, grief can’t be offered any answer but Jesus.

Knabe agrees. He says that leaning on God’s Word and reflecting on passages that offer hope and comfort are important practices. He suggests Matthew 5:4, Psalm 23:4, and John 14:27 as good places to start.

Brown remembers the days and weeks following a tragic loss in her life. She states that she physically and mentally was unable to read passages of Scripture and understand what they were saying because her heart was so broken. She decided to purchase a small devotional and focus on a single verse at a time.

“Slowly, I was able to digest more and more verses at once, but before I could, I knew that the intentionality of staying in the Word was the light that would get me through those dark days.”

HOPE FOR THE GRIEVING

Brown shares an analogy to help those who have not experienced the loss of a loved one understand a bit more about the lifelong pain grievers carry.

“I had a cousin who had a leg amputated and, although her leg was no longer physically there, she often experienced something called phantom pain. She would sense pain in her toes or her ankle despite having had it amputated. That’s kind of like grief. You never fully get over the loss of a loved one this side of Heaven. You won’t be able to pretend that everything is normal because it’s not the way it was — you will occasionally have phantom pain. But what you can do is move forward with the Lord and take comfort in knowing that when you grieve, the Lord is close to comfort you,” she explains.

The hope for believers who grieve is that one day, all the pain and anguish of this earthly life will vanish, and they will stand before the Lord, finding themselves made new in His presence.

Psalm 130:5-6 says, “I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. I wait for the Lord more than watchmen that wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.” This hope allows those who grieve to cling to the promise of a new day when their sadness and suffering will be completely relieved.

What we celebrate this Christmas season, the birth of Christ, is the reason that all believers have such hope and the promise of an eternal future, a place where every tear will be wiped from their eyes (Revelation 21:4).

“Remember that the heart of Christmas is about Emmanuel – God with us,” Knabe advises. “Christ came to bring hope and healing, even amid sorrow.”

For more insight into dealing with grief and loss during the Christmas season, Robert C. Crosby, president of Emerge Ministries, offers this podcast episode of Experience Emerge, featuring licensed professional clinical counselor Patrick Milloy, entitled Good Grief – Is it Time for the Holidays?

Ashley B. Grant

Ashley B. Grant has a master's degree in Human Services Marriage and Family Counseling from Liberty University and is a credentialed Christian counselor through the American Association of Christian Counselors. Grant also holds certifications in crisis pregnancy counseling and advanced life coaching. Ashley is a fourth generation Assemblies of God preacher’s kid and has one daughter and three sons.