Maintaining a Healthy, Godly Marriage

C.S. Lewis once said that love “is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God.”

Yet too often the sacred covenant of marriage is reduced to a conditional contract based on convenience. As society continues to redefine the definition of family, Christians must be wise to the biblical standards and principles that should guide a marriage. To give some perspective on maintaining a healthy, Christ-centered, Spirit-filled relationship, Senior Adult Ministries Director  Bob Cook, along with his wife, Sherilyn, and pastors of El Tabernaculo church, Jay and Melissa Alfaro, open their hearts on the topic of marriage. (Jay also serves as the district superintendent of the Texas Louisiana Hispanic Network, and Melissa serves as an executive presbyter – ordained female representative.)

The Cooks have been married for 54 years and the Alfaros have been married for 22 years.

AG News: Tell us what Scriptures or biblical truths you and your spouse keep at the center of your marriage.

Bob Cook: Sherilyn and I try to keep 1 Corinthians 13 at the forefront of our marriage. We know that this kind of love and the love we have for each other has to be based in godly love that comes from Jesus. We’re human and just as carnal as the next person but through Jesus, He empowers us to love this way.

Melissa Alfaro: I love 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Most of us are used to those passages but back in 2020 while I was doing a study with our women’s group, we read about using this verse at times when you’re about to lose your patience or lash out. The idea was that in these tense moments, we would go back and insert our name in the verse. For example, ‘Melissa is patient. Melissa is kind.’ I have found that when I do that, this scripture verse becomes my rubric, and a reminder to respond to a heated situation in and with God’s love.

AG News: How do you handle conflicts or disagreements in your marriage? What are some “rules of engagement” for fighting fair with your spouse?

Sherilyn Cook: Sometimes disagreements come up when we are tired or stressed. The day, work, the kids, or other things may have gotten to us and, while some things need resolved right away, sometimes it’s better for us to rest, get a good night’s sleep, and talk about it the next day. When we reset then we can talk it through better.

Jay Alfaro: There are going to be disagreements in marriage. That’s part of the gelling process, and at least there is communication when that is happening. But you have to be sure that you fight fair. A big part of that is not keeping a list of past offenses or bringing up the past during an argument or fight. Fighting fair means once the past is over, it’s over and you do not pick it up again to use as ammunition against your spouse. Also, don’t fight in front of the kids and be careful not to speak negatively of your spouse in public or to friends.

AG News: What would you say is the “secret ingredient” in your marriage? What do you and your spouse do that helps your relationship stay strong?

Melissa Alfaro: As a couple, we believe in praying together, eating together, traveling together, playing together, and laughing together. These things help us stay healthy and fresh in our marriage. We also schedule regular time together, without kids, when we clock out of ministry, clock out of work, and tune into our marriage. We have also been intentional about making our marriage a safe place for vulnerability. Nothing is off limits between us. When we have anxiety, doubts, or find ourselves processing situations, our first default isn’t to run to friends or family, we work through these issues together first. We find wisdom and clarity in that vulnerable communication. Then, if we need to reach out for additional support, we reach out together after we’ve done all we can together.

Bob Cook: Ever since our days of dating, which started back in high school, we’ve found it important to keep a sense of humor and the joy of the Lord in our marriage. We enjoy laughing together about various things. We found that this rubbed off on our children, too. When things are difficult or stressful, we always keep joy in our home and find ways to laugh together.

AG News: Why is it important today, more than ever, to stay committed to Christ and to be Spirit-filled for the sake of your family?

Sherilyn Cook: For the sake of family, we have to realize what kind of legacy we want to leave behind. We have to show our kids and grandkids that the strength of our marriage comes from praying together. Every morning before Bob leaves for the office, we always have prayer together. And when we go to sleep, we lift up our friends, kids, and grandkids.

Bob Cook: We can’t let our guard down because the enemy is out to steal, kill, and destroy. We cannot coast in our walk with the Lord. The enemy would love to take us down personally and in our marriage. We have to stay strong in the Lord because we aren’t immune to what’s going on in the world just because of who we are. We have to stay vigilant. I’m amazed at how many couples, for whatever reason, don’t pray together. I think that’s a horrible mistake and we have to do that.

AG News: What is one piece of advice you would give to couples in your generation about marriage and relationships?

Jay Alfaro: I believe that every couple should have three relationships: a Barnabas, a peer, and a Timothy. The Barnabas relationship should be a couple from whom you can learn and get wisdom; someone who has walked through struggles and who can add value to your marriage. A peer is someone who is going through the same things you are going through; they are in the trenches with you. It is someone you can talk about contemporary issues with and someone who understands your battle because they’re fighting, too, or find themselves in a similar season. The Timothy relationship is a couple that you can pour into, people you can raise up and someone you can leave a legacy for.

Melissa Alfaro: It’s important to keep your spouse as your first ministry and your kids as your second ministry. Then, thirdly, comes your formal ministry assignment. I put them in that order because you will go through seasons in your marriage, and your children will change and grow with those seasons, but after your season of raising children is done, you want to still know and delight in your spouse. Check your relational gauges. It’s important to identify what fuels your relationship and be intentional to fuel those areas in your spouse. Don’t make your spouse the addendum to your assignment. They are your first assignment.

Sherilyn Cook: It’s ok to be open and honest with one another. Be transparent. We give each other the opportunity to look at each other’s cell phones, emails, and text messages. It’s important to be able to trust each other like that and it’s provides good accountability.